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Saeber_tooth
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Name: Sae-Rom
Country: United States
State: Illinois
Metro: Chicago
Birthday: 6/26/1983
Gender: Female
Interests: Jesus, farting, AA studies, activism, medical jargon, David Shin.
in that order
Expertise: Jesus, farting AA studies, activism, medical jargon, David Shin.
in that order
Occupation: Medical
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
8/25/2005
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| i'm almost at the end of my psychiatry rotation...and i've been loving it.
want to blog more in depth about it later but a funny story really quick in honor of one of my patients who was discharged yesterday...
i'm working at a state mental institution so the patients wander around this large common room called the "milieu" all day.
so i'm walking and talking with my patient in the milieu, asking how he's doing, etc. and he turns to me and asks, "medical student, are you married?" glancing at the ring on my right hand. i, of course, say no. conversation proceeds as follows...
"you're not married?"
"no, i'm not."
[whisper] "you know, God doesn't like it when you sexualize with men outside of marriage."
"how do you know i sexualize with men??"
"so, are you a virgin then?"
"that's a very personal question, ___."
"alright then. well, God doesn't like that. anyway, i know you been sexualizing with men because you have NGU."
"NGU? what's NGU?"
"non-gonococcal urethritis."
"how do you know i have non-gonococcal urethritis??"
"because you wear pants!"
"hahahahaha."
good times. ima gonna miss him.
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| And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget,
falls drop by drop upon the heart,
and in
our own despite, against our will,
comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.
-aeschylus
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| good night, it's been awhile. i've missed you.
things have finally slowed down after taking the boards(!) and running off to DC for awhile. and now half of med school is officially over. red mango opened in evanston to celebrate! :)
the more i go thru it, the more i feel med school is really strange. you have bunch of neurotic, perfectionist, selfish know-it-alls (it's hard to survive med school if you are not all of those things) that are bred to further compete in exams testing memorization & assimilation abilities under high-stress, crappy-health conditions. and that's supposed to make you a good doctor?
at least it makes me question myself and my rotten motives more. i feel like it's so easy to graduate from an experience like med school with a sense of entitlement. that for all the sacrifices, the all-nighters, the neglected relationships, the pimples & new muffin-top, the pee/poo/pus/puke/placenta we have to deal with, yadda yadda yadda, we deserve comfortable lives filled with respect, wealth, and impunity. it's really easy to coast down that road...or actually to sprint like a maniac down that road and jump into her beautiful, rose-scented, feather-soft arms.
and then you can still comfort yourself by occasionally going on trips overseas and "helping out." this is my mom's desperate argument as she eyes the stamps multiplying in my passport and tries to convince herself that i might listen this time.
this isn't to say that short-term trips aren't important and necessary. and that dermatologists and plastic surgeons are automatically sell-outs. absolutely not. and i'm not just saying that not to sound judgmental (even tho i probably totally do). actually, a lot of them do really amazing, lifechanging work. i guess you can't measure this sort of thing---everyone has their own calling.
for me, i don't want to look back in 20 years and wish that i just laid it all on the line...not always made sure my own butt was always covered. because is it worth doing if you're not going to do it til it hurts? because i only have this one life. and there's so much i could do with it...or not do with it.
sigh, i've dug myself in a hole, haven't i?
on monday and tuesday, i was in DC for an award ceremony. i considered myself a spectator because i was supremely embarrassed to be eating at the same table as these people. this is not false humility. take my word for it. but i tried to get over it so i could soak in the heroism & tenacity of these simple but somehow superhuman beings. the jefferson awards were started by jackie kennedy onassis and sam beard to serve as a sort of "nobel prize" for public service, to celebrate the unsung heroes who were changing lives and their communities (clearly, i do not qualify). most were regular working class citizens who one day, decided enough was enough and did something about the runaway teens who had no place to go, the drug dealers who were ravaging neighborhoods, the 20-something war vets who were returning home only to be homeless, the millions of young girls growing up with the idea that sex is all they have to offer... the stories were all absolute miracles. some were in their 90s and could barely get on stage but were still tirelessly clocking in hundreds of hours back at home toward their centers and projects. they raised millions of dollars, built houses & playgrounds from scratch, endured decades of failures & try-agains---to just do it.
these were people who had truly learned to genuinely mourn the brokenness of our world (many would break down while talking of those they served), take others' burdens upon themselves, while simultaneously maintaining obstinate optimism. to suffer with hopefulness. i felt so blessed to have been able to gaze into their faces...share a glass of wine and an encouraging word with them...shake their hands. ironic that they were being celebrated since they were each people who obviously did this things because they felt they had no choice but to do what they ought. to be like them... i never realized how difficult & rare it is to find people who acknowledge that something is the right thing to do---and then actually do it.
and...it was great to have my own hotel room! gave me time to think. and be quiet.
and watch conan in my underwear while eating orange-flavored chocolate squares.
i think i'm slowly becoming addicted to the loneliness of traveling alone.
love until it hurts.
-mother teresa
first ponder, then dare.
-helmuth von moltke
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| perhaps it would be best if we paused here.
perhaps it would be best if we suddenly became silent and instead considered the sound of the city as it whispers in unfamiliar shadows behind us.
we could stand here and become silent, counting the moments of our lifetimes with the heartbeats on our wrists.
we could wait, lost in the city, in this quiet, in this silence.
we may come to know the sound of one particular sound.
we may take this moment to stop and wonder what will become of us after our deaths.
-joe meno
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| i need to get something off my chest.
i've wanted to write about this for literally years now but didn't feel like i could speak with enough wisdom to speak at all on the subject. but i realized i never will so i might as well try now.
i've sullied one too many dinner conversations over this and hopefully this entry will explain my anguish better than my heated, poorly-articulated arguments over mediterranean when my guyfriends would look at me with wide-eyed stares that silently mouthed, "Lord have mercy on the poor soul that marries this crazy."
so i think this is really important.
all i want to say is this. by virtue of the society we live in today, women are damaged. period. i think people, both men and women but especially men, try to belittle/ignore this for various reasons but when you unpack the female psyche, the influence of "the world" can only be described as profound and for all intents & purposes, cruel on the female (comparative to the male).
from the time that little girls can formulate thoughts, i believe that we're constantly being socialized and learning the mechanisms and standards by which we will function and be valued. namely, that if you're a girl, looking "pretty" is a feminine, necessary, and acceptably high ambition. the pressure to look good (clean & clear, skin & bones, and Very Sexy) is perpetuated by our families, friends, media, virtually everywhere we look. thus, the measures that contribute so much to a young woman's development of identity and self-worth are overwhelmingly, devastatingly physical. and almost always defined by men. it sucks to born into this kind of world.
the great margaret cho once said being a minority is like getting little papercuts everyday... i believe the same is true for the woman. it's not always the "big" traumas (though it can be for many, many women with the very real and long-lasting effects of sexual harassment and abuse). it's the daily, tiny, stinging injuries that begin to build and build and collect and collect....and ultimately shape your identity.
what do i mean? i can't speak for every woman but...every time i see a guy looking a girl up and down; every time i get cat-called on the street; every time i see an ad or movie with a slim, scantily-clad, slinky seductress doing "her thing"; every time a girl gets more or less attention based purely on how she looks; every time i read or hear about another rape and or case of sexual harassment (1 in 4 women!); every time a stranger calls me "baby" or tries to touch me; every time someone comments about a "fat" or "ugly" girl; every time i hear about another case of anorexia or my friends talk about how unhappy they are with their bodies (which is all the time); every time a guy likes a girl or starts dating a girl and all his friends clamor to see her picture...
i internalize it. i have internalized it everyday for most of my life. this is the story of most every girl. the bottom line is, women are indiscriminately, ceaselessly, and mercilessly judged according to our physical appearance first and foremost. and different girls "deal" with it in vastly different ways, if they're not completely swept up by it.
ok, sure, so girls are damaged and are wrongfully evaluated, usually in harmful ways, according to their physical beauty. this is not a new or profound discovery.
but the frustrating part for me is the lack of engagement with this issue. i've heard from both males and females that this is a futile battle. i do not agree. i do not believe that hormones and the superficial are the bottom line. maybe among most but not among all. if it means even a handful of men are more inclined to look beyond the skin and a handful of women remember their worth in so much more....
women are not beautiful because men think or say so. they are beautiful because they were created in the image of the Beautiful. they are beautiful because they are tender and strong and kind and God-fearing and wise and captivating. they are beautiful because they were born with dignity and purity.
it's not to say that physical beauty should never be affirmed. it
should. but it shouldn't be the only thing affirmed. nor should it be
the most important thing affirmed.
to be continued...
Your crown has already been bought and paid for. All you have to do is wear it.
James Baldwin
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